WWF GOES TO JURASSIC PARK
BY LUKE BANNON

Note: I don’t own any of the characters used, so don’t sue. Also, set just after No Way Out
(We see Ric Flair in his office. Various WWF wrestlers, e.g. Austin, Rock, and others are there also.)
Ric: WHOO! To celebrate the recent success of the No Way Out pay-per-view, I have decided that the WWF superstars will take a vacation to my island resort.
Austin: Hold on a second. Success? “Stone Cold” Steve Austin gets screwed out of the undisputed title, and you expect me to celebrate?
Ric: There’ll be beer.
Austin: Well, in that case okay.
Ric: And as an added precaution, the N.W.O. aren’t coming on this trip.
Triple H: How about me Flair, I got screwed out of my shot at Wrestlemania, I want a rematch, not a vacation!
Ric: Now Hunter, I understand, but believe me, it would be best for you to cool off now and have time to think about your course of action, instead of going in guns blazing. Hell, I’m a 16 time world champion, and even I needed to take time out here and there.
Triple H: Maybe you’re right.
Ric: Okay, the plane’s outside, pack your things and then we’ll be going.
(We cut to outside the office. We see Jericho, Steph, Angle, Vince and the N.W.O. listening in on this.)
Nash: Ya hear that?
Hogan: You bet brother. I sure as hell heard it brother.
Jericho: They think they need a vacation? I’m the undisputed champion, I’m a living legend, I work my ass off every night, and I don’t get a break. (Really whiny) Not fair! And as we all know, Steph works her ass off every night too-
(He notices the glare she gives him.)
Jericho: You know, cutting promos, leading me to the ring, making Triple H’s life hell, why what did you think I meant?
(Hall makes a bunch of incoherent drunken rambles.)
Nash: Yeah, what he said.
Kurt: Yeah, I’m going to Wrestlemania, I NEED time to rest, before I take those titles of yours that is!
Jericho: Oh yeah, Kirk Angel? I think you’ll find I’ll beat YOU.
Kurt: No you won’t.
Jericho: Yes I will.
Kurt: No you won’t.
Jericho: Yes I will! Yes I will! YES I WILL!
Vince: Enough already.
Hogan: He’s right brothers. You should stop fighting brothers. Even I wasn’t like that with my brothers, brothers.
(Everyone is confused.)
Vince: Getting back to the point, who says we can’t go on this ‘vacation’ Flair’s planning? We’ll follow them.
Nash: Good plan Vinnie Mac.
Kurt: Man you guys are unbelievable kiss asses!
(Everyone bursts out laughing.)
Kurt: What?
(Later on. We see the WWF people on their plane. They haven’t even taken off and most are drunk. We see the Hardys. Jeff is wearing Bermuda shorts, and carries a bucket and spade.)
Matt: Jeff, you do realise this is more an 18-30 holiday (or 18-50 or whatever) rather than an 18 month to six years old holiday?
Jeff: What’s an 18-30 holiday? Is that how long we stay?
Matt: (groans) I am not related to you.
Jeff: Yeah you are. Look, it says on my vest ‘Return to brother Matt Hardy if found.’
Matt: This is gonna be a LONG flight.
(We see Chuck and Billy have two large mirrors in front of them and are comparing sun tans.)
Chuck: No man, yours is WAY tannier than mine.
Billy: Yeah, but yours is so much more golden and even.
(Rock lifts his sun glasses and looks at them both.)
Rock: Sick freaks. Besides, The Rock has the best tan of all.
(We cut to Austin with at least ten coolers of beer with him.)
Ric: Hey Steve, there’s drinks on the island.
Austin: Yeah, but I don’t wanna run dry during the flight! You said it would be three hours.
(We see Goldust reading a copy of ‘Variety’ we then see inside is a copy of ‘Muscle Men in Tight Shorts.’ Billy taps him on the shoulder.)
Billy: Hey, me and Chuck read that!
Goldust: Oh, did you see that guy in the last issue?
Chuck: Oh yeah. The one in the tiny little red thong. Red’s our favourite colour you know-
(We see all the males slowly edging away from them.)
(We see Kane and Undertaker jostling for who gets the window seat.)
Kane: You always get it, it’s my turn!
Undertaker: I’m older, that’s why! Besides, you need to pee every ten seconds.
Edge: (Calls) Christian’s like that too! He’s terrified of flying.
(We see Christian gripping onto both arms of the seat with all his might. He is very pale and shaking a lot.)
Christian: I...am...not!
Lita: (To Edge) Don’t be so mean. Hey Christian, how about you sit beside me and hold my hand? That way you won’t be scared.
Matt: (Yells) I’m scared of flying too!
(Jeff leaps onto her knee.)
Jeff: ME TOO! ME TOO!
(Lita shoves Jeff off.)
(Mighty Molly leaps up.)
Molly: I’m not afraid of flying; I’ll sit beside citizen Jeff.
Jeff: No argument here!
Hurricane: But Citizen Jeff, you fly all the time.
Jeff: Only off ladders, not on planes.
(Torrie and Tajiri are sitting in the back seat whispering to each other and giggling. Tajiri seems very excited.)
Triple H: (grumpily) What are they so damn happy about?
Hurricane: I’m not sure, but my Hurri-senses detected the words ‘Mile High’
(He and everyone realise what it is.)
Edge: (sniggers) That’s a kinda club ain’t it?
Jeff: Can I join? Can I join?
Matt: Not on your own. Hey Lita, maybe we’ll join.
(Lita whacks him over the head with Jeff’s toy spade.)
Chuck: Hey Billy, you and me can join!
Billy: Yeah, that’ll be cool.
(The silence is deafening. Goldust whispers to them.)
Billy: Oh. It’s that KIND of thing. Maybe some other time.
(We cut and see the plane take off. We then see another plane with ‘N.W.O.’ spray painted on the side. We cut to inside. We see the cockpit is empty. Kurt is looking around confused.)
Kurt: Where’s the pilot?
Vince: Well, unfortunately considering the amount of money I used to hire the N.W.O. I couldn’t afford the pilot. However, I thought of a very fair and logical way of deciding who flies.
Stephanie: And what would that be daddy?
Vince: Paper, scissors, stone.
Nash: Alright.
Hogan: (whispers to others) I should let you know, Nash always picks stone.
Nash: (to self) Good old stone, nothing beats it.
Vince: Ready, one…two…three!
Nash: (brings fist forward.) Stone.
Everyone else: Paper.
(Nash looks at their hands as paper, then his own as stone, then paper again.)
Nash: DAMN IT!
(Cut to cockpit about five seconds later.)
Nash: But I don’t know how to fly.
Hogan: You can learn bro. We’re the N.W.O. damn it, we can do anything we like. Besides, after a while it’s that dork Angle’s turn.
Scott: (lying semi-conscious on floor) I wanna fly! (Pause. He looks up) Hey, I can see up Stephanie’s skirt!
(Stephanie backs away from him.)
Jericho: (mutters to self) ‘I can see up Stephanie’s skirt. As if that’s a novelty!
Vince: What was that Jericho?
Jericho: Uh, I said that’s no way to talk, she’s a McMahon damn it!
Vince: Damn straight. As a punishment, no more beer for you Scott.
Scott: You sadist! You can’t do that to me!
(Stephanie leans forward to talk to Jericho. We notice his eyes are focussed on her low cut top.)
Stephanie: Thank you so much for standing up for me Jericho.
Jericho: (in a daze) No problem. I can’t understand why anyone would be so crude as to looking up your skirt. (thinks to self) While they can see your underwear from this angle.
Kurt: Mr. McMahon I have a serious question I need to ask you regarding this flight.
Vince: Go ahead Kurt.
Kurt: (really childish) Is there gonna be a movie? Is there gonna be a movie? Is there…
(We cut to the other plane.)
Jeff: … a movie? Is there-
Matt: Jeff, for the six thousandth time, YES!
Jeff: Good. I hope it’s Mickey Mouse. Or even better Boogie Nights! Or maybe a cross over.
Matt: Sometimes I worry about you. And don’t think I don’t know about that nude Minnie Mouse poster of yours.
Jeff: But she’s so hot!
Edge: Na, Wilma Flintstone is the best!
Hurricane: Na, Wonder Woman! She can use that whip on me any time.
(Molly hits him on the arm.)
Hurricane: (hastily) But she can’t match up to you sidekick.
Kane: No way. Barbie knocks all them dead. Besides, she has boobs.
Undertaker: They’re plastic.
Kane: Yeah, and? So are the Divas.
(Various objects are thrown at him.)
Bradshaw: Na, I know the perfect one. Ryoko from Tenchi Muyo.
Farooq: Damn man! You watch that girlie anime?
Bradshaw: The porno channel got disconnected.
Farooq: DAMN!
(Tajiri pipes up in his native tongue.)
Bradshaw: Yeah I saw that one too. Damn, she looked hot.
Austin: Am I drunk, or are we talking about getting it on with cartoon characters and dolls?
Ric: The answer to both those questions is yes.
(Meanwhile Billy, Goldust and Chuck are discussing male soap opera characters.)
(We cut back to the N.W.O. chopper. Hogan is boring Kurt with stories about his glory days.)
Hogan: And did I tell you about the time I beat Macho Man to become a two time WWF Champion at Wrestlemania 5?
Kurt: Gee, only about twenty seven times.
Hogan: Oh well, I didn’t tell you it from his point of view. ‘No Hulk, please have mercy…’ Yeah, that’s what he said, he was-
(Meanwhile Stephanie is yammering on at Jericho.)
Stephanie: Then after that, when I finally divorce Triple H, he’s gonna have to pay some serious alimony.
Jericho: And how small did you say it was again?
(Stephanie holds her fingers a few centimetres apart.)
Jericho: Damn, that was a small ring.
Stephanie: (confused) No, (shows her finger) This is the ring. I was talking about his-
Jericho: Uh, too much information. But I think I’ll save it for later.
(We cut to the cockpit. We see Nash has the plane on auto pilot. We see he has a pen in his hand, and seems to be locked in concentration, suddenly he gets a thought.)
Nash: Got it!
(We pull back to reveal he is leading La-La to her ball in a Teletubbies puzzle book. On the front it says ‘Aged 2 plus.’ Kurt then bursts in.)
Kurt: I’M FLYING NOW! I don’t wanna sit next to Hogan another minute!
(He notices the book.)
Kurt: Hey, I’ve got that!
(We see Hall desperately licking at an area of carpet he spilt beer on earlier.)
Hall: Gotta have booze! Gotta have booze!
(He then notices a bottle of perfume. He looks at the back. It says ‘contains alcohol’. He grabs it and gulps it down in one swallow.)
Stephanie: Hey! He drank my bottle of Channel No. 5!
Hogan: Lighten up. It’s the nicest he smelt in years. Victory smells nice too. Especially at Wrestlemania 7-
Jericho: Here we go again.
(We cut to the other plane again. Christian is outside the bathroom. He is desperately clutching his stomach as if he’s about to vomit.)
Christian: (calls, pounding door.) HURRY UP IN THERE! I’m totally gonna barf here!
Edge: (to others) Believe me, you don’t wanna see Christian when he barfs.
(The door opens and Tajiri and Torrie walk out. We notice the smiles on their faces and their clothing is rumpled. Just as Christian is about to walk in, Kane knocks him down and charges in.)
Undertaker: Too much cola, that’s his problem.
(Christian suddenly goes even whiter. He snatches the bucket out of Jeff’s hand and proceeds to vomit violently and loudly into it. After he’s done he hands it back to Jeff. Jeff looks down.)
Jeff: I can’t make sand castles out of THIS! (He notices something, he shows Lita it.) Hey look, a French fry!
(Everyone looks disgusted.)
Jeff: Hey, it wasn’t me, it was him!

AN HOUR AND A HALF LATER…
Jeff: Are we there yet?
Everyone else: No.
Jeff: Are we there yet?
Everyone else: NO!
Jeff: Are-
Rock: Jabroni, unless you stop askin’ are we there yet, The Rock’s gonna take that spade turn it sideways and stick it straight up YOUR CANDY ASS!
(Pause)
Jeff: (interested) Uh, would it fit up there?
Rock: You’ll find out unless you shut up!
(Austin, now totally drunk starts a terrible rendition of Cumba Ya. Ear plugs are handed out. Al Snow is chewing on something. He then turns to Maven.)
Al: I dunno about you, but I think this gum they gave us tastes funny.

ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD
Mick Foley: (Writing his next book.) ‘But then again, Al Snow is used to having a funny taste in his mouth. Hee-hee.’